The UK’s Export Control Office (“ECO”) has just released a video on export control that has the tenor and excitement of certain videos they used to show us in high school health class on those touchy subjects of serious concern, and you all know which ones I mean. I think they even hired the same narrator and just told him to say al-you-men-i-um instead of allume-i-num.

Slam down a double espresso and then click play to watch:

For those in the U.K. that the video doesn’t put to sleep, it might scare them into not ever exporting anything again. It doesn’t clearly delineate what can and can’t be exported and then promises jail time for mistakes, solemnly intoning the old canard that “ignorance of the law is no excuse.” (Well, actually it is, at least in the United States. A criminal prosecution for export violations requires that the defendant have at least some knowledge that the export was illegal or improper.)

My absolutely favorite part comes near the end where the soporific narrator intones:

What the ECO does, and the licensing process, is, of course, more complicated than a short video like this can ever hope to explain.

Translation: this video was produced in order to spend some extra funds that were lying around the agency but that’s not something we could admit, at least until the very end of the video where there was a very good chance that you had already decided to watch something much more interesting, like, you know, the one of that dachshund with the machine that throws tennis balls for him.

If you weren’t able to make it through the ECO video, but are still dying to know what was in it, the ECO helpfully provides a transcript here.

Regular readers will know that we have a particular fascination with Business Wire press releases where companies announce that they have “achieved” registration under the International Traffic in Arms Regulations (“ITAR”). These press releases are amusing because anyone who can figure out how to fill out and mail in the registration form with the requisite fee will be registered and will obtain a registration number.

Boasting about ITAR registration is not too different from a company claiming that it “achieved” an employer identification number from the I.R.S, thereby demonstrating the company’s extensive knowledge of corporate tax laws and its commitment to tax compliance. And by the time the PR firms for these new ITAR registrants have finished with the Business Wire press release, some of these companies wind up claiming that the ITAR registration demonstrates the company’s intimate knowledge of even the most obscure provisions of the ITAR, its passage of a grueling three-day exam on all aspects of export law, its successful completion of a three-month compliance audit by the Directorate of Defense Trade Controls (“DDTC”) and its ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

The latest in this series is this press release from South Dakota based Electronic Systems, Inc., (“ESI”) which, I must say, sets a new benchmark in misunderstanding the DDTC registration process.

Electronic Systems, Inc. today announced they have received their official International Traffic in Arms Regulations (ITAR) registration from the US Department of State, Bureau of Political-Military Affairs. Companies receiving this certification demonstrate that they have knowledge and understanding to fully comply with the AECE and ITAR as well as having corporate procedures and controls in place to ensure compliance. The ITAR Registration means that the company is uniquely positioned to fully support defense related projects in the United States. Companies that are based in the United States but owned by foreign companies or non-Americans make them ineligible for ITAR compliance.

You know, I was almost willing to go along with the company’s claim that ITAR registration demonstrated that it had knowledge of the ITAR. At least I was until I got to that last sentence about foreign ownership precluding ITAR registration. Apparently section 122.2(b)(2) of the ITAR, which specifically contemplates registration by foreign-controlled companies, wasn’t covered on that grueling exam that ESI had to take before “achieving” registration.